Viva Las Carnies

I'm going to Vegas for the first time this summer. I have somewhat mixed feelings about this. The reason for my trip is primarily to see Cirque de Soliel's "Love", though honestly, I could give two shits about watching a set of Korean twins painted like clowns balance on each other's big toes while spinning plates on umbrellas. (Or whatever the hell those kids do.) But watching all that set to remixes of Beatles songs, is another matter altogether. And therefore, I called Southwest today and used one of my free credits to secure my flight.

"Oh, Elizabeth Taylor! You're not THE Elizabeth Taylor, are you? We love having celebrities!"

"Um, if i were THE Elizabeth Taylor, do you honestly think I'd be flying in the cattle chutes you call airplanes on my Rapid Rewards points?"

*nervous twitter*

"Right. Didn't think so."

Nonetheless, my flight is booked, thus, making it official. But again, my feelings are somewhat mixed. Yes, I absolutely want to see this show. Yes, I absolutely want to check Vegas off my lifetime to do list. Yes, I want to have a great weekend with my friends.

But I've always kinda envisioned Vegas as an enormous state fair. A high-end state fair, but a state fair nonetheless. They have casinos instead of a Midway, but the house still wins. They have nice restaurants instead of funnel cake stands, but the food and over-indulgence is just as bad for you. And the carnies might be covered in sequins and glitter, but they're still carnies.

The problem is, I hate the state fair. I love the food, but I get extremely uncomfortable when I see embarrassing people. Why? Because I have to fight the urge to run up to total strangers and scream things like, "No, no, NO!!! My god, you don't need a funnel cake AND a turkey leg! You weigh 500lbs! And whose idea was it to dress your family in matching black and yellow outfits today? Did you think it would help for you all to look like bumble bees in the event you should get separated? I'm breaking out in hives just LOOKING at you people! I mean, if the kids get lost, surely they'll know to head to the nearest corny dog stand, because you'll no doubt be hitting that next." This same trait makes reality television exceedingly painful for me to watch ("Bevin, SHUT. UP!!!"), but even then I'm separated from the embarrassment by a glass screen. It's a whole different ball game when it's in person. This is why I can't go to karaoke joints, why Times Square makes me want to spoon out my eyes, and it's definitely why I don't go to the fair.

And until now, it's why I've stayed away from Vegas. There are other places with good shows, good food, and plenty of things to do. But everything seems so concentrated in Vegas. A bazillion people in jorts and glitter, running around like damn mental patients. Because there's something in the Vegas water that seems to make people go insane. Look at the commercials. Mild mannered teacher/librarian type turns into sex hungry cougar within the span of one limo ride.

I'm sure it won't be as bad as I've always imagined. That said, I should probably take some bail money in case I'm arrested for assaulting an Elvis impersonator.