Summer of stupidity

Has anyone taken a look at the summer line-ups for the major networks recently? Here's a little sampling of the quality programming filling the airwaves these next few months:

"Fast Cars and Superstars"
If Paris, Lindsay, Nicole and Britney are any indication, cars and stars don't mix. But I suppose a show called "Superstars do the Los Angeles a favor by responsibly using limos for their transportation" would tank in the ratings. Still, I think at least one death is guaranteed on this program.

"Next Best Thing"
The next best thing to what? The REAL Liza Minnelli? Who the hell wants to see the authentic version of that, much less a crappy imitation?

"America's Got Talent"
Yes. We have talent. Talent for coming up with horrible television shows like this one.

"Last Comic Standing"
I'll avoid this show due to my inability to comfortably watch embarrassing people. There is absolutely nothing worse than going to see a good comic, and having to suffer through the warm-up act. And this, my friends, is a whole show dedicated to warm-up acts. Anyone remember who won this last year? I certainly don't, and I can name you every Bachelor in sequential order. And that says something.

"National Bingo Night"
I've never seen this show, but have heard it's awful. Which only makes sense, because just one review of the facts says someone didn't really think this through. Take a game that only blue hairs play, target it to twenty-somethings, make an interior decorator the host and give him a Apu for a sidekick. There's a recipe for success, but that ain't it. According to my spies, when ABC previewed this show at the upfronts, they made it interactive for a chance to win a high definition television. Over half the audience still walked out.

"Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
Unlike Bingo, I have actually watched this. It's the most depressing show imaginable. For starters, you feel like the dumbest person alive for stopping to actually think through how many equal sides are in an equilateral triangle. Even more horrifying is the commentary it makes on the U.S. educational system as you stare at the blank faces on the adult contestants. And the cherry on top of this mess is that it's hosted by redneck superstar, Jeff Foxworthy.

Speaking of which, that "redneck" appears to be an actual movement in this country annoys the shit out of me. This morning I learned that one of the top songs in the country right now has "I'd like to check you for ticks" as its refrain. Which gives me my own an idea for a show: "Pick the Ticks". The person that picks the most ticks off his buddy wins $20,000. The loser gets lyme disease.

It's got Fox written all over it.