Baggage baggage.

Several people have expressed outrage over American Airlines charging $15 to check one bag and $25 for each bag after that, and suggested I write a blog about it. Fine. But I assure you this will be one of my least popular blogs.

I love nothing more than catching wind of things that fan the flames of my hatred against American Airlines. They have a fleet of flying sardine cans they try to pass off as planes, Al Queda is more hospitable, and I'm fairly certain their customer service training is conducted by the Soup Nazi.

However, and this will come as a shock to most everyone, this whole baggage thing doesn't piss me off at all. In fact, I couldn't be happier about it. Here's why: Gas prices are raping all of us right now...up the ass...without lube. The airlines are no exception. (And really, if you insist on being pissed about this, focus your attentions on the profits and bonuses enjoyed for years by the oil companies and the fruitless Congressional hearings that were supposed to bring an end that horse shit. "Supply and demand" my ass, you wads.)

Anyway, as I was saying, the airlines are affected as much as the rest of us, so costs are going to go up somewhere. That's just a given. Now, they could hide them in service fees or in the rates, but applying them to baggage also makes sense because the heavier the baggage, the more fuel used.

At least ninety percent of all the travel I do is for business, which means I rarely check any luggage. Even when I'm traveling for fun, unless I'm going on a three-week safari to Africa, I don't check luggage. (It's called efficiency, bitches.) However, I'm related to a flock of the most inefficient travelers on the planet. To illustrate my point, I would now like to reference the time we met up with my aunt and uncle in France, only to discover they'd packed FIVE full suitcases, one of which was filled entirely with Evian water.

"Um, why do you have an entire suitcase of Evian water?"

"Because the water here isn't safe to drink."

"You do realize Evian is, well, from France?"

The other swell thing about that trip is that my aunt has a heart condition, and thus couldn't carry any of the suitcases they'd brought. So we each got stuck with our own bag, as well as one of my aunt and uncle's. Hopping on and off trains with two pieces of luggage got old after about 20 minutes, but alas, it wasn't until about five days later that someone had the brilliant idea to buy one of those portable luggage carts. Sadly, the cart lasted only one day as the weight of all our shit caused the metal support bar to buckle, drag along the cobblestone in Venice, throw off a mess of sparks, and melt the cart's wheels while our Danish foreign exchange student screamed in terror.

This is one of several reasons I no longer travel with my family, but it also brings me back to why I'm not opposed to this American thing. Because idiots like the ones I'm related to are going to be punished for not stopping to think that returning exported products to their countries of origin is completely imbecilic. So to the vacationing jackasses with fifty bags and matching Hawaiian shirts: Bend over, Grover! And if you need me, I'll be in business class with my purse.