The 'heap.

I'm going out with a guy that my friends and family refer to as Marvin Sparkles. This is nothing close to his real name, nor is he prone wearing sequins. Rather, my sister referred to him as Marvin Sparkles because she'd genuinely thought that was his name.

Right.

Anyway, Marvin and I were chatting the other night about The Scrapheap. The Scrapheap is the proverbial pile of guys I've discarded throughout my dating history - and something Marvin used to be quite afraid of. But he announced the other day The Scrapheap is no longer a concern. He knows he's in.

Currently, I'm not going to disagree with this. However, it did get me thinking about some of the things that have sent guys to The Scrapheap in the past, and I decided to make a list. (Marvin, pay attention.)

1. Tommy Hilfiger apparel, with visible insignia.
2. Humming along at concerts.
3. Showing up 20 minutes late without calling citing "an emergency pool party" as an excuse.
4. Potential for homosexuality.
5. Driving a pick-up truck.
6. Living outside a 5 mile radius of my home.
7. Saying he was unsure whether or not he actually got a college degree.
8. Weighing less than me.
9. Calling me "darlin'".
10. Smacking while he ate.
11. Having the worst screen name in the history of match.com.
12. Yellow teeth.
13. Extreme cheapness, including but not limited to: lining his home with glow-in-the-dark stars so he could move around at night without using electricity, trying to heat his home with an open oven and a fan, and taking home the leftovers of others...from another table.

Admittedly these are mostly shallow, petty reasons. And I'm sure there are thirteen more where those came from. But apparently I don't scrapheap for overtly gay nicknames. Curious, but lucky for Marvin Sparkles.