Seriously.

Oh my lord, do I hate Mariah Carey. Before I go any further with this, I will fully admit I have bounced around to more than one of her songs in my lifetime. In fact, was listening to "Touch My Body" just yesterday and (*gulp*) almost enjoyed it.

No, I don't mind her music, I mind her.

Remember when she was all washed up? When she was Pariah Carey, and we weren't subjected to the stories of diva antics, pictures of her in skin tight clothing, or news about her completely dumb weddings? It's like we've all jumped in a time machine and traveled back to 1993.

On second thought, I guess there are some key differences between now and then. For starters, she's a fat ass now. (Though still clearly wearing the same sized clothing she did then.) And instead of marrying giants in the record industry, she married Nick Cannon. WHO, it's worth noting, is TWELVE, and also gave Mariah the same damn ring he gave his Victoria's Secret-model-of-a-fiancee last year.

I saw her perform "Touch My Body" the other night on SNL, and I haven't seen that much lip-syncing since Ashlee Simpson performed there. And every camera shot came (this close) to showing all of America her business.

She sucks, and I'm going to stop writing about this before my eyes roll into my head and get stuck there.

But before I sign off, a HUGE thanks to "the nadmeister" for correcting me that the pair of balls showcased in my last blog are actually from http://www.yournutz.com/. Oh, and Nads (can I call you "Nads"?), congrats...you're this year's valedictorian.