A tree by any other name.

Here's a basic truth about me: I love contests. More specifically, I love winning contests. So I was beyond thrilled when three weeks ago, I came home to a note on my apartment door. It explained that two of the six oldest oak trees in Austin were on our apartment complex property, and the local arbor foundation wanted to commemorate them with plaques. Therefore, the management at our complex was holding a naming contest and asking residents to submit entries.

I. was. STOKED. I spent a week or so coming up with the perfect entry. I googled synonyms for strength. Looked up Latin and Greek words that might be fitting. But in the end, the perfect names weren't anything high-brow. And with my entry ready to go, I headed to the front office.

"Hi, I'd like to submit names for the tree-naming contest."

"Ohhh!" our manager said, laughing and seemingly surprised that anyone was actually bothering to enter, "Great! What are they?"

"Pancho and Lefty," I said while beaming with pride at my own brilliance.
She erupted into laughter. "Lefty? That's so funny!" She continued to laugh, then started to look confused. "I don't understand the Pancho part, though?"

Instantly, I was annoyed. I had come up with the perfect entry, and she didn't get it?

"Well, it's like the famous country song. You know, 'Pancho and Lefty'. It was a big hit for Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard."

She stared at me blankly, smiling.

"And it was actually written by Townes Van Zandt."

More blank looks.

"The famous singer-songwriter? One of Texas' greatest troubadours?"

...

"Which is why I think it's perfect. I mean, given Austin is the 'Live Music Capital of the World'," I continued in defense of my entry.

"Okay," she said, still clearly confused, "I'll write down 'Willie Nelson song'."

I was completely deflated. As I returned to my apartment though, I began to feel better. Surely, when it was time for residents to vote, they would appreciate my idea. And, surely I was the only resident nerdy enough to enter the contest to begin with. So by the time I arrived on my doorstep, I was convinced I'd win.

You can imagine my excitement when I found another note on my door several days later. The first line explained the office had received some great entries for the tree-naming contest. (Hooray! Victory was about to be mine!) It went on to say there had been three rounds of voting. (What? Voting? I didn't remember voting. Had other residents voted? Suddenly my title didn't seem so secure.)

"And although it was tough," the letter continued, "the winning names selected are: Treeana and Treeanon. Thanks to everyone that participated!"

WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Treeana and Treeanon???????????? Was this a joke? How in the HELL did that beat "Pancho and Lefty"? "Pancho and Lefty" was the perfect entry! And it was beat out by some Klingon-tastic bullshit like Treeana and Treeanon?

My roommate was out of town, and although it was quite late, this was an emergency.

"Treeana! and Treeanon!!! They named the trees, TREEANA AND TREEANON" I roared.

"Wow. That's definitely bad," she said, clearly sound asleep. "Did we even vote?"

"No! Because if we had, I can tell you what WOULDN'T have won!" I was completely irate.

"I mean, Treeana isn't horrible but Treeanon just sucks. Maybe if they had submitted 'Treeana and Acorn-nana' it would have been better," she said sleepily.

"Um, I'm sorry, Treeana and Acorn-nana? THAT'S your better alternative? I submitted 'Pancho and Lefty'! It was the PERFECT. ENTRY!"

"Yeah, that's much better. Definitely. I'm just saying if these names are going on plaques, I think Acorn-nana would be preferable to Treeanon."

I gave up, hung up, and went to bed trying to think of something...anything...that would rescue my ego from the crushing blow of losing the lamest contest I've ever entered.

The next day I received the following photo in an e-mail from my roommate.

Subject line: "Treeana, Treeanon, and little Acorn-nana"