My dad grew up in Houston with a guy named Billy. According to my father, Billy was a total weirdo, though to date the only proof Dad has offered up to support this is that Billy wore tennis shoes to the prom...with his tux!!! (Apparently Houstonians were known for wearing "outrageous" things to prom even back in '68.) Anyway, Dad wanted nothing to do with him, despite the fact their mothers were friends and my grandmother was always nagging Dad to invite Billy to various things. But Billy was a freak, and my Dad was a shallow ass hole. (Apple didn't fall far, I know...)
Anyway, Billy might have been an outcast at Robert E. Lee High School, but he also went on to form one of the greatest rock bands of all time, and my father has been kicking himself ever since.
But the one that should be kicking himself tonight is Billy. I don't know who had to do what to get ZZ Top to perform on the cheese-fest that is American Idol, but whatever was done clearly worked, because there they were on stage rocking out with finalist David Cook. Good. Lord. I can only hope that Billy Gibbons never comes out of the drug-induced fog he lives in, because he'll no doubt off himself if he ever finds out about this performance.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
The Dear Leader's day off.
In case any of you were wondering what Kim Jong-il does on his day off, he puts his evil cat in a pet carrier, heads to a gay bar in Houston, eats a bucket of crawdads, and then takes a nap...at the bar.
(Note: Be glad I took a photo of the napping and not the eating of crawdads as they're clearly not big on manners in North Korea.)
(Note: Be glad I took a photo of the napping and not the eating of crawdads as they're clearly not big on manners in North Korea.)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
He'd jump soooooo high...
I had a conference call today in which we presented creative concepts to the clients, and had a ton of technical difficulties getting the call started. So by the time we sorted everything out, we only had about fifteen minutes left in the meeting, which is the only explanation I have as to why we all plowed ahead, trying to ignore the fact we'd somehow conferenced in the agency hold music.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to present creative while Jerry Jeff Walker is singing "Mr. Bojangles"?
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to present creative while Jerry Jeff Walker is singing "Mr. Bojangles"?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
What would Jesus think, Joe?
Proof karma exists: Former youth pastor, Joe Simpson, gave away his pregnant daughter to marry her bisexual rock-star baby daddy last night.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Why you don't eat pizza past 9 pm.
I had a dream last night that Brandy drove by my house in a limo, popped her head out the sunroof and told me she was eating crab but really wanted some cheesecake.
I'm not sure what that was about, but is it just me or are Brandy's eyes ridiculously far apart?
I'm not sure what that was about, but is it just me or are Brandy's eyes ridiculously far apart?
Friday, May 16, 2008
How not to motivate people.
I was watching the news this morning and saw a story about this kid that's walking across Michigan (820 miles, for those interested) on a pair of stilts. He's doing this to raise money for cerebal palsy, a condition he actually suffers from.
Forgive me, but what the hell does walking on stilts have to do with cerebral palsy? Are people really going to see a man towering three feet above them with "Cerebral Palsy Fund" or whatever written on his pants and automatically pull out their checkbooks? Maybe I don't have the faith in humanity I should, but most people I know would probably think, "Huh. A guy on stilts. Shit, that reminds me. I need to get the hem taken out on my new pants." (Apparently, I only associate with other tall people.)
I sat next to this guy named Lewis on a plane from Cape Town to London. Lewis is a swimmer, and by that I mean, he swam across the English Channel as well as across the North Pole (in only a Speedo and swim cap). He's the first man to have completed long distance swims in all five oceans, and he once swam the entire length of the River Thames, hopping out only to run over to 10 Downing Street, meet with Tony Blair on how to move England towards a low-carbon economy, then hopped back in the river and kept on swimming.
(Quick side note: Lewis is enormous. I should also mention he was in the middle seat, which caused me to be crushed up against the window for twelve hours. It wasn't completely horrible because he was hot and interesting and has this retardedly sexy British/South African accent thing going on, but still. I don't care how charming you are, I have no desire to be smashed against anyone for that amount of time. The best part, however, was that his knees were jabbing into the seat in front of him, which was coincidentally occupied by none other than Lewis's college girlfriend. "You had better be thankful you had a friend sitting in front of you, Lewis," she said to him after we landed in this fabulously bitchy English accent. It was awesome.)
The point of all his swimming is to raise awareness of environmental issues that are affecting our planet's rivers and oceans. And again, I say, seriously? I'd be more likely to donate to his cause because he's hot and asked me to, than because he's doing all this swimming. Don't get me wrong, I think both the stilts and the swims are impressive in their physicality, as well as sheer idiocy. But there are other, better ways to motivate people to make changes. For example, I'd be more than happy to work on my carbon footprint in exchange for say...a brief make-out session with Lewis. Otherwise, why am I going to change a damn thing when the shitty state of our environment is keeping Lewis plastered across the internet in a Speedo? (Yes, kids, I'm just. that. selfish.)
And I'm speaking from experience. I used to drive a certain vehicle shaped like an enormous hot dog for the purpose of promoting a certain meat company. People would FREAK when they saw us, run up to the vehicle, look around, ask us for trinkets, etc. But did they immediately head to their nearest grocery store and load up on this certain meat company's products? They would...but only if we were giving trinkets away with a product purchase.
The bottom line is that Americans are lazy, selfish people. (Myself very much included.) So for the swimmers and stilt-walkers of the world, know your audience and put your efforts into things that will actually prompt change.
(You know, things like making out with me. Heh.)
Forgive me, but what the hell does walking on stilts have to do with cerebral palsy? Are people really going to see a man towering three feet above them with "Cerebral Palsy Fund" or whatever written on his pants and automatically pull out their checkbooks? Maybe I don't have the faith in humanity I should, but most people I know would probably think, "Huh. A guy on stilts. Shit, that reminds me. I need to get the hem taken out on my new pants." (Apparently, I only associate with other tall people.)
I sat next to this guy named Lewis on a plane from Cape Town to London. Lewis is a swimmer, and by that I mean, he swam across the English Channel as well as across the North Pole (in only a Speedo and swim cap). He's the first man to have completed long distance swims in all five oceans, and he once swam the entire length of the River Thames, hopping out only to run over to 10 Downing Street, meet with Tony Blair on how to move England towards a low-carbon economy, then hopped back in the river and kept on swimming.
(Quick side note: Lewis is enormous. I should also mention he was in the middle seat, which caused me to be crushed up against the window for twelve hours. It wasn't completely horrible because he was hot and interesting and has this retardedly sexy British/South African accent thing going on, but still. I don't care how charming you are, I have no desire to be smashed against anyone for that amount of time. The best part, however, was that his knees were jabbing into the seat in front of him, which was coincidentally occupied by none other than Lewis's college girlfriend. "You had better be thankful you had a friend sitting in front of you, Lewis," she said to him after we landed in this fabulously bitchy English accent. It was awesome.)
The point of all his swimming is to raise awareness of environmental issues that are affecting our planet's rivers and oceans. And again, I say, seriously? I'd be more likely to donate to his cause because he's hot and asked me to, than because he's doing all this swimming. Don't get me wrong, I think both the stilts and the swims are impressive in their physicality, as well as sheer idiocy. But there are other, better ways to motivate people to make changes. For example, I'd be more than happy to work on my carbon footprint in exchange for say...a brief make-out session with Lewis. Otherwise, why am I going to change a damn thing when the shitty state of our environment is keeping Lewis plastered across the internet in a Speedo? (Yes, kids, I'm just. that. selfish.)
And I'm speaking from experience. I used to drive a certain vehicle shaped like an enormous hot dog for the purpose of promoting a certain meat company. People would FREAK when they saw us, run up to the vehicle, look around, ask us for trinkets, etc. But did they immediately head to their nearest grocery store and load up on this certain meat company's products? They would...but only if we were giving trinkets away with a product purchase.
The bottom line is that Americans are lazy, selfish people. (Myself very much included.) So for the swimmers and stilt-walkers of the world, know your audience and put your efforts into things that will actually prompt change.
(You know, things like making out with me. Heh.)
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